Anonymous

Time keeps moving, and unwinding a clock would mean time is given back. Going back to time is impossible, at least for now. Swimming against such current seems futile, so living with it as it goes by seems easier to say the least.

I do not know who I am, and I suffer from thoughts of my identity. Am I filmmaker, am I an English Literature major, am I American, am I Asian, am I Japanese, am I Filipino? These questions are deeply rooted in my memories and experiences, both deriving from my individuality and my environment. I have always been in constant search for answers, but every thought unravals itself refreshed. As I grow older, my perception is shaped by my experiences. I know answers to such proverbial questions do not come so simply, but those are the trials and tribulations of my journey.

There was an open bar at the wedding I was shooting, and the only drink that were serving for free was wine. I do not fancy wine too much. "Booze or beer is the better buy" is my mantra. My words and my thoughts are more effective at making me completely inebriated than any drink or drug anyways. Leave me in my room for a day, and I will come out looking as gloomy and grey as a morning storm. I was most likely questioning all that is life, as usual.

I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine, and we were talking about ourselves. She was explaining the individual being a prism. The individual stands in the middle of others formed in a circle. From there every person has a different perspective of the individual in the middle. Everyone is experiencing a different side, some might be able to see another side of the individual. Every other point fades beyond the peripheries, not knowing what the other side looks like entirely.

What she said resonates with me, but I compare playing the part to the world of cinema. In my personal endeavor of pursing the sweet dreams of movies, I have experienced that I have to play more than one role weather it be a director, writer, editor, actor, cinematographer, stylist or grip. The question ultimately bleeds into the real world, apart from the world involved with silver screens. Am I a lover, am a a magician, am I a seeker, am I a creator, am I mean, am I sweet, am I a reliable friend, am I a good son, am I a compassionate human? No one can know that I pursue every nuance, even in the most minute away. Am I playing these parts for everyone else, or am I fulfilling them in order for me to be happy?

I originally wanted to write the line as, "Moving round like the third stone from the sun." But putting a ball in a bowl and rolling it around the rim seemed more appropriate to illustrate the chaos of control. The gravitational forces that pull objects towards the sun is more mathematically predictable due to science. This is why the bowl metaphor is important, because a human is in control; humans are unpredictable. There is more than one action that is happening within the bowl; it is not just the bowl rolling against the rim. The ball is also spinning; it is rotating. Not only that, but there is a human that is in control of how quickly the ball moves around within it. Thinking of this moment already makes me sick to my stomach. I feel as if my mind is being tossed around chaotically just by writing this disoriented by the constant motion of unsteadiness and uncertainty. 

Cogito ergo sum, is Latin for "I think, therefore I am" from the French Philosopher Rene Descartes. This is some trivial stuff, Descartes truly sounds crazy, but the craziness echoes some truths within me. Creation is my superpower, and to think that I have the capability to give life (and some kind of reason through whatever I make) keeps me in constant question of everything. I am not reliant on religions, spirituality, or sciences. My belief is of course shaped by my experiences of those listed, but the uniqueness and synonymity make me believe that it will be I who determines my fate. 

I think it is important to experience failure or success in order for me to discover what works for me. The flavors of life cannot be tasted without going through some kind of process.